Onwards, Always
by life-in-a-beautiful-light
Summary: A post 'Crossfire' fic. Kate and Rick move forward with their lives after the shooting, making big changes and decisions in the process.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: Hey folks, thanks for clicking on my story and if you choose to read past this author's note, thank you for reading! I haven't written a fic for any show in a long, long time and I appreciate reads, reviews and follows more than ever as I try to get out of a horrible writing slump. This chapter is very short, I know, but future chapters will be longer as I ease myself into writing. I hope you enjoy and forgive my lack of medical knowledge should it arise in this fic. Thanks again!_

 **X X X**

'Not a word. Or Nurse Sandra-Stick-Up-Her-Ass will kick _my_ ass out of here.'

'She's just doing her job, Castle,' Kate smiled, gratefully accepting the white paper bag that her husband had smuggled in from outside. Today's choice of contraband: two frosted doughnuts. 'And you shouldn't have. I can barely manage the food I get here as it is. Two's too many.'

His left hand dived into the open bag like a hungry seagull at Coney Island. 'Did I say they were both for you?' Plucking one ring out, he plopped himself down on the armchair beside Kate's bed. His ass had carved out their own grooves in that aging leather chair over the past week and a bit, ever since he had been discharged. He had been lucky with his bullet and had only been bedridden for a little over a week. Kate was coming up for three weeks with her recovery hindered by infections that were hitting her fragile body hard. Yet she still put on a brave face and a smile and never complained. 'That's right, I definitely did not. Now, eat that bad boy up before Sandra catches us and has a reason to kick me out of here.'

Kate's laugh was underscored with a small wince. 'She does have a point, you know.'

'I don't loiter.'

'Please. I would and can very easily call the first few months of you working with me as loitering.'

'Yes but I helped,' he reasoned.

'But I found you annoying as hell.'

'And then you fell deeply and madly in love with me. Everything turned out pretty nicely, don't you think?'

She smiled, wide. 'Yeah.' Then her smile disappeared, her brow furrowing and her interest in the doughnut dwindled. 'It's been a weird few weeks, hasn't it?'

'You could say,'he nodded, shifting forward a little. His appetite too had now gone and he rested his snack on the bedside table. 'It goes without saying…yet, you just did.'

'I…' She tailed off, her voice cracking a little. She took a second to compose herself before she tried again. 'I knew the risks when I signed up to the academy. I knew that I could get hurt and I knew that one of the ways in which I could get hurt was getting shot. Taking a bullet is an occupational risk for every cop but…but I've been shot twice now. And both times, I've nearly died.'

And both times he, Richard Castle, would never forget how close he had come to losing her. He hated the sight of her in a hospital bed. She always looked so small hooked up to machines. 'I know,' was the only response he could muster.

'I…I don't want it to be third time lucky,' she said before shaking her head. 'No. I can't keep living like that and I don't want to keep living like that.'

'Are you saying—'

'That I quit?' She asked and he nodded, slowly. 'Yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying.'


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: Thank you for all the reviews, favorites and follows! This fic is one of the first substantial things I have written in a long time so I appreciate the positive response it has gotten more than ever before! I have no idea how long this fic will be but I will promise to update it at least twice a week for you lovely folks. Thanks again!_

 **X X X**

'I'll need your help with drafting up a resignation letter,' Kate joked, breaking the momentary silence that had fallen between them. It was not a heavy silence and it was not tense...it was just one of surprise, although the decision had been swirling around in Kate's head ever since the haziness of the drugs she had been pumped with faded.

Rick arched a brow. 'Me? I'm a mystery writer. You? You need to make that letter as mystery free as possible so you stop getting calls at ridiculous o'clock.'

'Yeah, _that_ I won't miss.'

'You certain you want to do this?'

'Absolutely certain. I don't want to keep living in constant danger.' Every time she looked in a mirror, she saw a scar. On her face. On her arms. On her chest. And that was before she and her husband were shot in their home, the one place she used to feel safe in. She was sick of feeling like a patchwork doll. 'I'm sick of hospitals and the only reason I ever wanna be in one again is because we're having a baby.' She shrugged. 'And I honestly don't care how cheesy that sounds.'

Her husband smiled as he leaned in closer and took her hand in his. 'That didn't sound cheesy at all. That actually sounds wonderful to me.'

Closer he leaned in and she moved to meet his lips halfway. 'Good, I'm glad.' She went for a second taste but stopped herself to add, 'And if you ever use that line then please do not give me a writer's credit for it. I've got reputation to maintain.'

 **X X X**

Kate finally got her discharge papers a week later and signed them the second they were in her hands. She was still yet to write her letter of resignation. It wasn't because of doubt – for she did not doubt that they decision she would make was the right decision. It was the finality that that letter would signal that scared her. _Terrified_ her. For all but a few years of adult life, she had been a cop. When she wrote that letter and handed it in, she wouldn't be anymore.

What she wanted to be was a mother. They'd talked about it at length the evening she announced her intention to leave the NYPD and they were going to start trying when she was fully healed. They were both excited. Yet what she hadn't told her husband, however, was the fact that the prospect of motherhood also terrified her. She had little experience with kids, especially babies, what if her kid hated her? What if the punishment that her body had been put through during her time as a cop affected any potential pregnancy? What if—

'Kate?'

Her husband's voice drew her out of her maze of anxieties. She blinked and registered his presence in the doorway of the private hospital room she had called home for the past few weeks.

'You ready to go?'

She nodded her answer, took one last lingering look at her surroundings before grabbing her hoodie and following Rick out of the door, down the corridor and to the lift. The shaft went down two levels before it pinged open and it was a short walk from there to the car park. They walked hand in hand the entire duration of the trip, parting only when Rick strode ahead to grab the car door for her.

Their driver greeted them with a wide smile. 'Good to see you on your feet again. Planning on setting a new personal best time for returning to the 12th after taking a bullet, I assume?'

'I don't know about that, Javi,' she said, exchanging an awkward glance with her husband who had hopped into the back beside her. They hadn't told Esposito or Ryan yet. She hadn't even told Lanie. 'I'm in no rush to return.' She wasn't exactly lying.

'You might not be, but everyone else is. The temporary Cap is no you or Montgomery. Even Gates was more popular when she was first instated.'

She purposely hadn't kept up to date with precinct affairs. 'Who's the Cap?'

'Alec Nash.'

'Who?'

Esposito laughed. 'Exactly. No one knows who the hell this guy is but he comes in and acts like the Queen of Sheba.'

'Shouldn't that be Solomon?' Rick piped up.

'N-,' Esposito looked over his shoulder, irked. 'No. That's not the expression, _writer boy_.'

'But King would be the correct pronoun.'

Kate laughed as Esposito sighed. The daily exasperation from the boys over the quirkiness of her husband would be something else she'd miss.

 **X X X**

It hadn't dawned on him at the time that all the stuff he brought and bought for his wife's hospital stay would have to go home with her. It actually looked like they were returning from holiday with a suitcase, a hold-all and numerous plastic bags in tow. If anyone bothered to ask, he figured that would be the explanation that he'd offer them. It was much easier to take in than the alternative, the crazy - to any people besides them – truth.

Esposito shouldered the brunt of the carrying, letting Rick able to follow his wife closely just in case. She was discharged but still in a lot of pain, despite the painkillers. He didn't want to take any chance.

'I think there was still something in the trunk. You want me to go get it?' Esposito asked as he balanced a hold-all on the arm of the nearest sofa. A plastic bag slipped from the grasp of his other hand, landing on his foot. He winced.

Rick chuckled. 'No. Not necessary. I'll go get it. Save you another journey.' His eyes travelled over to Kate who had sat down on the sofa.

'You sure?'

Kate had tugged the sleeves of her hoodies down to cover her hands. She'd grown quiet during the car journey home that had been plighted with Manhattan traffic that was somehow even more hellish than normal. Combined with the painkillers, he wouldn't be too surprised to find her drifting off shortly. 'Yeah. Don't want to keep you from the precinct any more. Nash might miss you.'

'Very kind of you, Castle,' Esposito said with a scowl that faded as he looked over in Kate's direction. 'Catch you later, Beckett.'

She looked up, smiled and nodded once. 'Thanks, Javi.'

Rick followed Esposito out of the apartment and into the elevator, hitting the button for the ground floor. 'Crazy few weeks, huh?'

'Pretty sure we've been saying that since the first day you sauntered into the 12th, Castle,' Javi said. 'How's Beckett been, really?'

'Optimistic. But in no rush to return.'

'So when is she calling it quits?'

'When-.' Rick turned to the detective. 'What?'

The detective laughed. 'C'mon Castle. She may be your wife but I've known her longer than you have. Anytime we visited her, she never mentioned work. Not once. After she was shot at the cemetery, she kept talking about returning. But things have changed now. She caught the bastard that killed her mom. And she's married to this annoying as hell mystery writer. Her priorities have changed. No one is expecting her to come back.' _Damn, Javier Esposito was a good detective._

The doors pinged open. 'Okay but at least you heard none of that from me.'

Rick grabbed the last bag from the trunk, thanked Esposito for his help before heading back to the loft. Kate wasn't where she was when he left a few minutes ago, where he had expected to find her. He dropped the bag and headed through to his bedroom. She wasn't there either. He called out but got answer. Then it dawned on him. He had left her alone in the place where she had been shot.


	3. Chapter 3

Rick found his wife on the bathroom floor, knees drawn tight to her chest. Given her injuries, it didn't seem comfortable in the slightest, however her face remained impassive and she looked right through him as he entered the sizeable en-suite.

His knees cracked as sat down beside her. 'If you want, I can see what hotels are available and book us a room for a few weeks. Find one with a nice restaurant, or two, and some good room service…you wouldn't have to suffer my cooking.'

No response. She continued to stare at…something, straight ahead of her.

It had never dawned on him that this would happen and he felt so stupid for his ignorance. PTSD was a cruel trick. It was like a troll on an internet forum, always there lurking and ready to strike when it saw something that it didn't like. Rick wasn't a psychologist or a therapist and he had never suffered from PTSD but he could imagine now, how easily it would have been for it to rear its ugly head. The floorboards that Kate had bled out on were an intricate minefield alone. 'Pick a city. A city anywhere in the world and we'll move there.'

This time Kate blinked, but was yet to turn to look at him.

'And I am absolutely serious. We have the money and you are planning on resigning, there's nothing keeping us in New York. We don't have to sell this place, I'm sure my mother or Alexis would love to move in.' _He couldn't sell the loft._ Or, at least, he didn't _want to_. His daughter had grown up there and the woman who would become his third and final wife, had once burst through the front door and told him that she wanted him. It was hard to outweigh all the good memories shared in that one loft but the shooting was certainly testing the scales. 'Have I ever told you what one of my biggest regrets in life is, Kate?'

She rubbed her eyes with her hand, gaze still averted. Then, like a small child, shook her head.

'As good as this place was for Alexis, she never grew up with a garden. Sure, there were always playparks and soft plays and, occasionally the Hamptons, to take her to but it's not the same. I want our kids to have the garden that Alexis didn't have.'

She seemed to mull it over. And then she finally, _finally_ turned to look at him with a brow arched. 'Kids?' There was emphasis on the 's'.

'I have it on good authority that we'll have three kids.'

'Yeah. From a guy who thought he could time travel.'

'You _were_ offered the chance to run for Senate though.'

She gave him _that_ look. The patented Beckett look. 'He also said that you would write serious literature.'

'Touché,' he quipped. Though, a little voice at the back of his head wondered if he would still have the passion to continue writing the Nikki Heat series when he no longer had the chance to play cop the way that he did. 'We could drive over to the Hamptons and stay there for a while.'

'I have physical therapy on Tuesday. And on Friday. For the next few weeks at least.'

 _Damn._ 'Okay. How do you feel about staying here tonight?'

'Not that great.'

At least she was honest. Rick pulled out his phone as he clamored to his feet. 'I'll make arrangements for somewhere for tonight.'

X X X

Later that evening, in the comfort of a five-star hotel room that Rick had paid a pretty penny for at such short notice, Kate had told him Connecticut. Stamford, to be exact. She told him that she couldn't stay in New York but, at the same time, she couldn't stay completely away. Her friends and family lived there and she was a sucker for Coney Island.

The Azure Hotel boasted brilliant views of Manhattan and the view from their sixteenth floor suite did not disappoint. Yet, they were New Yorkers and while they did appreciate the glowing skyline of the city that never sleeps, they felt no shame in closing the curtains on a sight they were so used to, after they'd tucked into their room service, put on a DVD and cuddled in bed.

Kate Beckett hated those who talked through movies, both at the cinema and at home, so when she spoke over Chris Pratt's character in _Jurassic World_ , her husband paid attention. 'Thank you for earlier.'

'You don't need to thank me,' Rick replied. 'I should've thought about it all beforehand. Bringing you back to the loft…after what happened was…stupid.'

'You're _not_ stupid,' she countered. 'Thanks for having my back.'

' _Always_.'

She smiled at that word, _their_ world and nestled into his side that little bit more. 'But we need to talk about earlier.'

'About…' He was assuming she was meaning about what happened a few hours ago in the loft. 'About earlier?'

'About what you said…about having three kids.'

 _Oh_.

'If that time traveler is right, and I mean _if_ , I wouldn't object.'

 _Oh._ 'You wouldn't?'

Kate shook her head. 'No. I think it'd be fun if we had two or three kids running about the place. If we're able to, that is, I'd love to have a big family. If we're only able to have one, that's great as well. I just hate…waiting.'

Sometimes he thought it was impossible to love her any more than he did – this was one of those times. 'I do too. But we just got to wait a little while longer as I would not be the one explaining to your physician how you'd exerted and injured yourself when you should be resting.'

'I know, I know,' she muttered, laying her head on his chest. 'Luckily, cuddling is also just fine with me.'

X X X

 _Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews, follows and favorites! These first few chapters have been fairly short-ish (for me, anyway) but I definitely feel that upcoming chapters will be longer as the story progresses. Thanks for all the support – its appreciated!_


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Got some lovely feedback on the last chapter so I hope you all enjoy this one just as much. It's a little bit longer than the others and is starting to delve into deeper territory. Let me know what you think by reviewing if you have time and, of course, thank you all for reading!_

 **X X X**

A week after her discharge, she's back in the company of a doctor in another cold, sterile room.

Rick sat in the corner of the room with the morning's edition of the New York Times in his hands, trying to read it as Kate lay on an examination table with her blouse unbuttoned and her physician standing over her. He couldn't concentrate enough to manage a single headline, never mind an article. He hated this.

'How does that feel?'

Kate hadn't bothered to hide her groan or her wince as Doctor Callaghan pressed down on her abdomen but she still nodded. 'A whole lot better than it once did.'

'What about when you're moving? Any pain or discomfort then?'

'No, not really. Only when you press down on it. The scar…this one…' Kate slid her finger to the right side of her abdomen, '…pulls sometimes.' That scar tracked around her ribs slightly. A centimeter or two had saved her life as the bullet had narrowly missed her liver, instead nicking an intestine. 'Is that okay, is it healing okay?'

Callaghan rested a hand on Kate's shoulder. 'It's healing fine. I have no concerns about it or your overall condition at this stage. Everything is looking good. You're well on track.'

The headlines on the broadsheet finally started registering but now Rick didn't care; he didn't need a distraction anymore. He left the paper on the plastic seat as he rejoined his wife, who was now sitting up and buttoning up her top. He pulled her hands away and kissed her forehead. 'Best news I've heard in a while,' he said, before taking over the task of the buttons.

'If only all my patients had such supportive spouses, maybe they'd all heal as quickly as you,' Callaghan remarked, before glancing down at Kate's file. 'Like I said, you're definitely making excellent progress and I don't think I have anything more to say. So if you have any questions, ask away.'

Kate took her up on her offer. 'Actually, yeah. My husband and I want to start a family. When would it be safe for us to start trying?' Rick's ears perked up.

'Well, there's no official guidelines as such. It just depends on how well you're doing with your recovery and, again, you're making excellent progress, Kate. I would recommend holding off until your next appointment with me but, barring any complications, I don't see any reason why you can't start trying in a month or two's time.'

'That soon?'

'Yes, absolutely.'

Rick couldn't contain his smile. 'I take it back, _that_ is the best news I've heard in a while.'

 **X X X**

After Kate's appointment, they sought out to destroy all the progress she'd made in their recovery. Well, not really but feasting on cheap fast food did seem somewhat counter intuitive when the past few weeks had been all about Kate's body becoming healthy again. But so what? She had dropped some weight since the shooting and they had had some great news. They deserved to celebrate and feast.

'So…a few months huh?'

For a number of reasons, Rick suspected that those few months would be tough. Yet, maybe, the beautiful prospect of the future they were planning would be enough to pull Kate through. 'And then,' he said, taking a sip of his large soda, 'Practice makes perfect. As they say.'

She kicked his shin under the table. 'Hey. Pace yourself mister.'

'I always do,' he smirked then saw her face. 'Wait, that wasn't related to...practicing?'

Queen of the accidental innuendo, the double meaning now just dawned on her. ' _No_. I was referring to you and that stupid, ridiculously oversized soda. I've been waiting ages to see this movie and I will not be having you ruin my experience by running to go pee every ten minutes.' The stern look on her face faded and was replaced by a grimace. 'Crap. That's what it's gonna be like with a kid, isn't it?'

He nodded. 'Pretty much.'

 **X X X**

They had taken their time with lunch, ordering milkshakes after their burgers and got to the cinema a few minutes before the trailers would roll. There were only a handful of other people sat in their screen when they had arrived – an older, probably retired couple and the rest were sat on their own, spread out in the two hundred seater screen.

' **It's kinda like having our own cinema,´** Rick remarked, as they took their seats. They had paid extra for the premier seating that offered a view almost identical to the row in front but with leather recliners and cup holders. **'Ooh. That's an idea.'**

' **No. That'll be a** _ **limitation**_ **if we add 'private cinema' to list of requirements for our house.'**

' **No, no, no,'** Rick wagged a finger. **'We don't need a private cinema when we buy a house. We just** _ **the room**_ **so that we can install a private cinema later.'**

' **In your dreams.'**

' **Hey I've told you. My dreams come true.'** The comment, as corny as it was true, earned him a smile and a kiss. Kissing Kate Beckett in the back row of the cinema? That was another dream realized and achieved. And he hated to break it. **'Let's resume this when I return.'**

' **Where are you going?'**

' **Toilet,'** he replied sheepishly. **'I know, I know. That large soda was a bad idea.'**

' **And the large milkshake.'**

' **We all make mistakes, alright? Be back in a couple of minutes.'**

The toilets were at the end of a long corridor – or what, at least to him, felt like a very long corridor – and were the toilets for a number of screens. Thankfully, due to the time of day and the fact that it was a weekday, there were no queues. He was on his way back to take his seat within his promised couple of minutes.

The trailers had started and the house lights were dimmer than they were when the commercials were rolling. He headed up the aisle and over to the left side of the posh seats which turned out to be the wrong side of the screen and he found an empty row of leather recliners. Or at least, he had _thought_ that he had headed to the wrong side of the screen. The other half of the premier seats were also empty. It was just his wife that had gone.

Her soda sat in the cup holder and a smile tugged at his lips as he finally found and retook his seat and took out his phone. _'And you said that I couldn't handle my soda?',_ he messaged her before slipping the iPhone back in his jeans. He wasn't holding out on a response; his wife was infuriatingly terrible at texting back if it weren't work-related. So the fact that she didn't reply to his cheeky message didn't concern him.

What concerned him was the fact that she had neither replied nor returned five minutes after he had returned.

He messaged her again. _'That was a joke, btw. The film will be starting in a couple of minutes. Oh and we're definitely going to see the next Joss Whedon film. The trailer looked amazing_.'

This time, he watched the time on his phone and when he didn't get a reply within two minutes, he got out of his seat and approached the older couple that were sat a few rows in front.

' **Hey,'** he said in a hushed and increasingly shakier tone. **'Sorry to disturb but did you see a woman in a leather jacket leaving five or ten minutes ago?'**

The woman of the couple nodded. **'Yes.'**

' **How did she seem? Do you think she was headed to the bathroom or to take a call or…'** _Did she seem upset?_ That was what he really wanted to ask but it hurt his heart too much to think about.

' **I didn't really see…'** She turned to the man beside her. **'Jerry, did you see?'**

The man shook his head, apologetically. Rick forced a smile, thanked them and turned to leave. Then, like Columbo, he turned again, to ask just one more question. **'What was the first trailer that they showed? What was it about?'**

Bewildered, the lady blinked. **'Uh…some action movie with some young guy...lots of car chases and guns-.'**

' **Guns?'**

Jerry nodded. **'Yeah. Some cop film-.'**

Rick interjected to mumble his gratitude again before he took off. He ran to the lobby and grabbed the first employee he saw, who was the usher who had checked their tickets. **'Did a women in a leather jacket leave about ten minutes ago? Brunette-.'** He had a better idea, pulling out his phone and showing the usher his lock screen. **'Her. Did she leave at all?'**

' **No one has come or gone at all in the past ten minutes. The sun's out and it's a weekday. Sorry.'**

' **Can you check the toilets?'**

The usher, who couldn't have been more than twenty, looked even more confused than Jerry's apparent wife had. **'She's your girlfriend, right? Can't you just text her?'**

' **Please. Please, just check the toilets. It's quiet, I'm sure you can leave for a minute and check.'**

The request was met with a sigh. **'Fine. You stay here.'**

' **No, I need to go with you.'**

' **Buddy, I'm already breaking my boss' rules by leaving my post. I can't let some random guy wander into the ladies'.'**

Rick understood, he really did. It was just the usher who didn't. **'Look,** _ **buddy.**_ **I'm not some creep or some pervert. I'm a married guy and my wife's probably in there and she's got PTSD. I can't just stand here, alright?'**

Now the usher understood, even if his understanding was completely rudimentary. **'Okay. Follow me.'**

There was only one locked stall in the ladies' room and it was the one that Rick went to first, gently knocking on the painted wooden door. **'Kate?'** As expected, there was no response but the buzzing of her phone when Rick called her number confirmed it was her.

 **X X X**

They never saw their movie.

With the door of the bathroom cubicle locked, there was nothing that Rick could do apart from let the demon that was running around in his wife's mind tire itself out. Kate came out after five or so minutes, the minimal mascara she had been wearing that day tracking down her cheeks. She looked mortified and that was before she had seen the usher who had accompanied Rick. She said nothing, just walked into Rick's arms and they went back to their makeshift hotel room home.

The whole cab ride home, he was terrified that there might be something, _anything_ that might trigger his wife. Thankfully, there was not or if there was, she didn't notice them as she was sat fiddling on her phone for most of the journey.

Once home, Kate showered before reemerging in one of his shirts and with wet hair. She sat down next to him on the couch and clung onto his arm.

' **You're making my shoulder wet,'** he said, after a few moments.

That prompted a small smile from her. **'Sorry.'**

The silence finally felt a little more comfortable but was to be interrupted by a knock at the door. **'You expecting anyone?'** He asked, certain that it was probably something as trivial as room service ordered to the wrong room.

Yet, he was wrong. **'Yes,'** she said. **'I sent someone a text when we were in the cab. Can you let them in?'**

Curious, Rick got to his feet and headed over to the door, slipped the latch and undid the lock. With the context she gave him, he was expecting Lanie or his father-in-law. Maybe even Ryan or Esposito. It was none of them…it was Doctor Carver Burke, Kate's psychiatrist.


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Usual thank yous apply for the support you've been giving as well as an extra thank you for ignoring the weird formatting blip in the last chapter – rest assured, I've made doubly sure this one won't have the same issue! X_

 **X X X**

It was hard for him to sit there and listen as Doctor Burke broke Kate Beckett down in ways Rick had never thought were possible. Kate cried, Kate shook, Kate stuttered and all he wanted was to reach across the couch and comfort her but he knew that he couldn't. She needed to let this out, as painful as it was to both herself and him.

She spoke about dying and how she thought she was going to die in the loft, _'with the guy she loved in the one place she thought she was safe'._ She dubbed herself, jokingly or not, _'Bad Luck Beckett'_ and talked about the fears that one day her luck would run out. She talked about wanting a family. It was a lot of the same stuff that they too had discussed but with Burke, it was different. Burke knew the right things to say and the right questions to ask. Burke wasn't afraid to pick at her scars whilst Rick had been terrified, only wanting her to be okay and nothing more. Rick realized right there how it was perfectly okay not to be okay.

They barely even touched Kate's reemerging PTSD before Burke left, after nearly two hours. They arranged another session and he set her one task to achieve before they reconvened in three days' time – to take the first step in the next chapter of her life.

 **X X X**

A rally of text messages back and forth last night, instigated by Kate as per Burke's suggestion, resulted in a last minute gathering at Ryan and Jenny's the following evening. With Esposito and Lanie also in attendance, there was no better time for Kate to announce her resignation.

'You nearly ready?' Usually his wife never fell under the stereotype of the woman who took ages to get ready – usually, that was _him_ – but tonight she was taking her time. Their cab was due in five and she was still in the bathroom, a place he was becoming all too tired of these days. He didn't want to risk it, so he went through to join her. His heart skipped a beat as he saw her. _Damn._ 'You look…holy crap, how did a guy like me get a girl like you?'

Kate smiled as color rushed to her cheeks. 'You don't think this is too much?'

Don't get Rick wrong, he thought his wife was beautiful make-up or no make-up, hair done or hair in a messy bun, wearing some fancy outfit or wearing nothing – _especially wearing nothing_. Yet since the shooting, she'd lived out of his oversized shirts and joggers and her brown locks were done in whatever way was the quickest. He loved her natural beauty but also loved when she glammed it up. And that tight dress was doing him no favors at all. 'Yes, absolutely. Take it all off, now.'

'And what would our cab driver say if that's what I did?'

And he loved it when she bit down on her lip as she approached him. And loved it when she put her hands around the back of his neck. No. _No. He hated it._ He had been subjected to years of this teasing, years. And now when he could finally take hold of her hips and kiss her lips, he couldn't. Well, he could and he did, but that was all he could do right now. _Damn that cab. Damn those few months._ 'Let's call the Ryans and raincheck?'

Her breath tickled his skin as she laughed. 'No, I _have_ to do this tonight…however tempting your alternative may be.' She kissed him before breaking her hold and offering him her arm. 'Shall we?'

 **X X X**

The evening was well over due. Whilst everyone had been frequent visitors to Kate's bedside in the hospital – excluding Rick who had, instead, happily dubbed himself a permanent fixture in the private room, much to a certain nurse's annoyance -, it was good to catch up without the IVs, beeping of machines and tiredness. Oh and Jenny was a fine cook and her cooking was made even more impressive given the short-notice.

They'd just finished dessert and Esposito was again complaining about Captain Nash, the man put in place in Kate's absence. Rick placed his hand on top of hers to stop her from picking at a cuticle even further. He leaned over to whisper in her ear. 'Go for it.'

She looked at him, hesitant and then, realizing that Esposito had come to a natural stopping point, she cleared her throat and came out with it. 'I'm resigning.'

 _Well, that was one way to come out with it._

'I'm not coming back. At all, ever,' she elaborated as everyone – bar Esposito who was already in the know – looked at her, shocked yet probably not that shocked given the circumstances.

Javier Esposito nodded and smiled. 'Good on you.'

Lanie was next to comment. 'Well, I won't lie, I'm gonna miss your pretty face lighting up my morgue. _But_ that just means more girls nights and more wine. At least until the babies start coming.'

Ryan nodded. 'Yeah. Tonight feels like a night out for us since our two are seemingly out for the count upstairs.' He laughed to himself before stopping suddenly, his eyes wide. 'Wait, are you…?'

Now everyone's eyes were wide and focused on Kate, who stuttered initially. 'Not, no…not yet, at least.'

'We're not allowed to, yet,' Rick said, feeling the need to explain and earning a look from his wife and a squeal from the medical examiner sat at the table.

'Girl, you don't even need to ask me to babysit. Anytime, anyplace, I'll look after your little Castle babies.'

Kate smiled. 'Thanks Lanie. But no, I'm not pregnant yet. I'm just…done with being a cop. I knew it when I was in the hospital that I was gonna quit. But no regrets. Apart from the two bullets, I've had a good run. I got the guy the killed my mom, put some other horrible people away and also met some incredible people. And yes, that includes this guy sitting right beside me, even if I did think that he was a giant pain in the ass when I first met him – I still do think that, by the way, that's not changed in the slightest.'

After the chuckles died down, Esposito reached for his wine glass and held it aloft. 'To Detective Kate Beckett. One of the best damn cops I've ever known.' Everyone clinked glasses.

 **X X X**

After the meal, the group naturally dissolved into two. The girls sat at one end of the Ryans' living room, presumably talking all things babies, whilst the guys were in the kitchen. Esposito had lured Rick in there under the idea that they'd break open the Scotch that Ryan kept for special occasions and whilst, yes, they were indeed drinking Scotch, it was clear that Esposito had another motive for putting some distance between the two groups. 'So, how's Beckett holding up?'

Rick downed the contents of his glass and placed it down it down on the countertop. 'Not that great.'

'PTSD?'

He nodded. 'The loft is just one big minefield for her and we've been living out of a hotel room pretty much since she got out of the hospital. And I stupidly thought that was it, it was just the loft that could trigger her…then yesterday, we went to the cinema. I went to the bathroom and came back and she was gone because there was a trailer that showed someone getting shot.'

'It's not your fault, bro. You can't anticipate everything. That's impossible.'

'I know but at the same time…'

'Dude. It's _not_ your fault. It doesn't matter how well you know someone that has PTSD, they themselves don't know what will trigger them. You are helping her by just being there,' Esposito said firmly, grabbing Rick's shoulder. 'What about therapy? I know that helped her through it the last time.'

'She's going. She actually contacted her therapist yesterday. Herself.'

'Good. That's a good step,' he said. 'But you keep doing exactly what you've been doing. Be there and keep talking about this diaper filled future that you're thinking of. Because that will get her through this.'

They poured another couple of fingers of Scotch into their glasses and drank, feeling no remorse at all that they were drinking Kevin Ryan dry in his absence which had been caused by a cry coming through a baby monitor. They pondered pouring another but were interrupted by the man himself.

'Hey Castle,' Ryan said, his eyes briefly wandering to the bottle Rick grasped in his hand. 'If you're not too busy, you should come see this.'

Curiosity got the better of Richard Castle so he followed the detective back through to the living room.

'We couldn't get the little guy to settle…thankfully, it turns out that she's a natural.'

There could neither be anything more perfect or beautiful to Rick than the sight of Kate Beckett cradling the three-month old Nicholas Ryan in her arms. Ryan was right. She was a natural.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: Thanks for feedback on the last chapter! Hope you enjoy this one just as much! X_

 **X X X**

It would have been more hassle than it was worth – if it was even at all possible - for Rick to try to follow her into 1 Police Plaza. Instead, he sat in a coffee shop around the corner to wait for her, _Candy Crush-_ ing on his phone while his drink went cold. He ran out of lives well before she returned, sans shield, a near hour later.

'Civilian,' he nodded as spotted her approaching. 'You are now, right?'

Kate smiled, planting a kiss on the top of his head before taking the seat opposite. 'Effective immediately. They didn't even question it – they understood my reasons.'

'I think every cop would understand your reasons,' he said. _Everyone, everywhere would have understood her reasons._ 'I got you a muffin.'

She picked up the chocolate chip delicacy. 'And ate half of it?' Detective or not, the craters where he had –at first- subconsciously picked away at, were obvious.

'I was hungry.'

'Really? That's the excuse you're going for?'

'Yes.'

'Buddy, you do not get to use that excuse,' she said, her voice dropping into deep, sultry territory. 'I've been craving something for the past month but, because of a stupid bullet to my gut, I've had to control myself.'

 _That voice…that leg under the table pressing against his inner thigh…that girl. Damn._ 'Hey. I've had to control myself too.'

'Really?' The way she bit down on her lip made his tremble. 'You couldn't even handle a damn muffin.'

 _Oh, Kate._ 'Why do you do this to me?'

'Do what?'

 _Was she really that oblivious? That innuendo had to be intentional._ 'Never mind. What do you wanna do with the rest of the day?'

'You know what. Or, I should say, _who._ '

 _Tempting. So, so tempting._ 'Soon, Kate. Soon. But other than _that_ , you have any ideas?'

She peeled off the cake's paper casing. 'I was actually thinking of heading to the 12th.'

'But you don't work there anymore.'

'Neither did you but it didn't stop you hanging around for years,' she laughed. 'But no. I was thinking that I should go and clear my office out.'

'Already?'

She shrugged. 'Might as well. Like you said, I don't work there anymore, after all.'

 **X X X**

'Whoa whoa whoa whoa.'

Kate turned around sharply at his mumblings. 'What?'

'What is _this_?' He held the offending item, that he had found buried deep in her bottom desk drawer, in the air for her to see.

'You know what it is. You wrote it.'

Indeed, he did. _In A Hail of Bullets_. His first novel and winner of the prestigious Tom Straw Award for Mystery Literature. 'I am aware. In college, much to the chagrin of my grades that year. That's not what I'm whoa-ing at.'

'C'mon Rick. It's not like you don't know that I was a fan.'

''A fan'?' The paperback he held up in the air was very, very well-read. The cover was creased and tattered, the spine cracked and he wouldn't be surprised if a few pages were loose or even missing. 'Do I dare ask how many times you've read this book?'

She gave him no answer. 'I'm honestly surprised that you haven't noticed that it's signed.'

He flipped to the title page and read aloud the inscription. ' _To Kate. Thanks for coming. Much love, Richard Castle.'_ His signature had changed slightly over the years but it was undeniably his.

As he looked for words, Kate filled in. 'I waited in line for two hours that day. It was December and there was snow in the air. I later told anyone who asked that I waited only one hour so I didn't seem crazy.'

'For _In A Hail of Bullets_?' In terms of signings, he could recall doing very little for that one – in comparison to the novels that followed, at least.

Kate took the paperback from his hands, smiling down on it fondly. 'No. This book has always been my favorite and I took it with me to see if you'd sign it as well. The people who worked in the store said that it wasn't allowed, that you were only signing your latest book and didn't have time to sign more than one. But you were great. You saw that I was holding this one as well and you _insisted_ on signing it. I always remembered that.'

It pained him that he didn't remember. He'd done hundreds, if not thousands, of signings over the years. Rules, to him, were there to be broken if they needed to be and if he saw someone at his book signing who wanted him to sign something as well as the book he was promoting, he would – and, sometimes, that had included chests even though now he cringed deeply at that old side of him. One day he went over his signing time by almost three hours signing books, shaking hands and chatting. He couldn't remember every single face. 'Can I ask why it's your favorite?'

Her eyes flicked to the door as if to check it was shut before she perched herself on the edge of her old desk, beside him. 'I read your books a lot when my mom died. And a book about a NYPD detective seeking justice for a murdered woman? That definitely resonated,' she said, her voice catching.

He placed his hand on top of hers. A few moments passed and her eyes became increasingly watery with each moment, the tears threatening to spill onto the already tattered cover. 'You should also check out the Nikki Heat series. I think you might resonate with the eponymous lady,' he joked, his attempt to stop those tears from going any further.

It worked and she let out a little laugh. 'Yeah. At least those books are properly researched.'

'Hey. It was the nineties. I had neither internet nor a strikingly beautiful detective to follow.'

'Fair point,' She said with a smile as she traced the letters of his name. 'That book signing…man. I remember how they advertised it for weeks in advance, posters all over the shop. I decided I was going as soon as I heard about it and then spent weeks thinking about it, thinking about what I was gonna say to you, deciding whether or not I had the courage to ask you for a hug like practically all of the other girls in the line ahead of me were doing.'

'And did you? What did you say?'

'I said, 'Hi I'm Kate' and shook your hand. And then completely clammed up when you asked me how I was.'

Anticipating that would be her answer, he stood up. 'Let's do this again.' He grabbed a pen from the pen holder that was yet to be packed up. 'Hey, thanks for coming. Who should I make this out to?'

It took a second for her to understand what he was doing. She handed him the book. 'Kate.'

'Hey, Kate,' he smiled, flipping back to the title page. 'How are you doing?' Forgetting how difficult it was to sign a book, never mind a paperback, without anything to lean on, he had to turn to her now half empty desk.

'I'm good…and I…I want to say thank you. Your books helped me through my mom's death.'

The hug that Rick pulled her into after capping his pen felt different from all the others that had preceded it - and would feel different to all the ones that would succeed it. And, unlike their first meeting, he would always remember this.

 **X X X**

There were other items that he found during the clear out that caught his eye and surprised him – a few photos of rookie Officer Beckett looking worse for wear on nights out, a set of highlights in the shape of pandas and a lone cinema ticket for _Cars 2_ to name but a few of them – but none had caught him as off-guard as that book had.

That book had helped her through the worst time of her life. The world he had created, as inaccurate in places as it was, had been her escape. He had met her as she had been rebuilding her life and had put a smile on her face. _That_ was why he had become a writer and _that_ was why he had no plans to ever stop, even though he never needed to write another word again in his life.

'And there it is. Half of my life fits into four boxes. Just like that.'

'And that jackass Nash will come in here the second you leave and spill his coffee all over that desk. Oh wait. He only ever spills his coffee on my desk. My bad,' Esposito muttered.

'He's only the temporary Cap. He might not get the nod for the job permanently,' Kate remarked before clapping her hands. 'So. Four boxes, four people. Pick one and we can get this all out in one.'

'Not wanting to say one last goodbye to this place?' Ryan asked.

Kate shook her head. 'I said goodbye to this place a little while ago. I've gotta move on.'

Ryan shrugged. 'Okay then. I'll take this one.'

'And I, this one,' Rick said, grabbing the one that housed the book. Not-so-coincidentally, that was also the lightest of the four.

Kate picked up the remaining one and led the way, one last time, to the elevator. And just like that, she was gone from the 12th.


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's Note: Thought it was time to slip into Kate's mind for a while. Lemme know what you think! x_

 **X X X**

It was a nice house with a nice garden. A beautiful garden, in fact, with a large tree in one corner, ample grass and a big patio, perfect for barbeques in the summer months. Yet…

'Six bedrooms? That seems a bit excessive.'

Her husband frowned. 'You think?'

'We only need one master bedroom and one guest room. The only other rooms we need are for any future kids. So, we don't need four more bedrooms. Three more, maybe.' They had to be realistic, especially Rick who had a penchant for getting more than ahead of himself. They weren't a young couple. She was closer to forty than she was thirty and was more than aware that she perhaps didn't have as long a baby window as other newlyweds had. That, and she didn't want more than three kids. The thought of one child scared her as much as it excited her.

'You never know. You could be America's next Octomom.'

'Joke about that again and I'm getting my tubes tied.'

'Quads?'

'Still getting them tied.'

'Triplets? Twins?'

'Still absolutely terrifying,' she said. That got her thinking. 'Do twins run in your family?'

He shook his head. 'Not to my knowledge. Which, admittedly, isn't saying that much as I can't speak for my father's side of the Hunt-Rogers family tree. There could be octuplets running in his side, for all I know.' His smirk was erased quickly by the stern look she shot him. 'Kidding, but I really don't know. What about your family?'

'Not in my immediate family at least.'

'There's always a first. You are an overachiever after all.'

They were getting sidelined, again. This was only the fourth property they had viewed in the past hour. She nudged him gently in the ribs. 'Six bedrooms is too much. Five, at the most.'

'Noted,' Rick said, tapping the back arrow in his browser. 'Five bedrooms max, an office...would madam also like a walk-in wardrobe? 'Cause madam certainly needs a walk-in wardrobe.'

Their budget was extremely accommodating and could definitely stretch to a sizeable walk-in wardrobe, a couple of offices and, easily, ten medium sized bedrooms. Yet just because they could, it didn't mean that they had to. There was a difference between want and need…and she'd be lying if she said that she didn't need one. 'Yes. But, again. Nothing too excessive.'

'And, again. Noted.'

He kept scrolling whilst she grabbed her phone that started to buzz on the nightstand. 'Beck—Kate.'

It was Esposito. ' _What_?'

'Old habits,' she replied. In her defense, it was her first official day of being unemployed. 'They're hard to kick.'

'Well, I hate to be an enabler but if you could swing by the precinct this afternoon, that'd be great.'

It hadn't even been twenty-four full hours yet. 'You guys missing me already?

'We are. Believe me, we are. But there's also an old case file from a few months back that Nash found that's missing your signature. He can't file it until you've signed it and he's not the patient type.'

She had a poor idea of this man she was yet to meet. 'Right, okay.'

'If you don't wanna or can't make it to the 12th, I can always stop off at your place-'

'No!' The word came out loud, taking both herself, her husband and, no doubt, her friend at the other end of the line, by surprise. _God, Kate._ 'I'll come by this afternoon.' Esposito didn't know about their living arrangements and he didn't have to know. It was temporary, after all.

'Alright, perfect. Oh, and leave your husband at home. The last time we brought up Castle's name…well, let's just say, I don't think Nash is a fan.'

Her idea of this man was now very, very poor.

 **X X X**

Temporary Captain Alec Nash was the first person to greet her when she made the all too familiar walk into the bullpen and he greeted her with a handshake and a warm smile. 'Kate Beckett. It is so lovely to finally get to meet you.' There was also a tinge of surprise in his tone, which surprised her even further. 'An honor, truly.'

'Thank you…sir. I've heard a lot about you.' Nothing, of which, made any darn sense. She scanned the bullpen for Esposito. His desk was empty.

'And I, about you. Your name is very highly talked about at 1PP. Everyone, including myself, is extremely saddened by news of your resignation but I fully support your decision. I'm so sorry about what happened to yourself and Mr. Castle.'

Kate smiled through her confusion. 'Thank you.'

'Is Mr. Castle here? My wife is a huge fan; an autograph would make her day.'

'He is-.' She paused for a second, spotting Esposito emerging from the breakroom, coffee in hand. '—not. But I can get him to send some books over. What's her name?'

'Elizabeth.'

'He'll be more than happy to send some stuff over,' she smiled again, before excusing herself as she headed in Esposito's direction. 'Why is Nash surprised to see me? Why is Nash nice?' They were well out of earshot but her tone was still hushed. 'What is going on?'

Javier Esposito said nothing but gestured for Kate to follow him and he led her through to Interrogation Room one. He closed the door behind them. 'Sit.'

'Why?'

'I'll explain, I promise. Please.'

She took the same seat she had taken for years but couldn't help but feel that she was the one on the other side of that table, the one under scrutiny. 'There's nothing to sign, is there?'

He shook his head, sat down opposite. 'No.'

'And Nash is a nice guy, isn't he?'

'At times. Other times he's a right jackass.'

The silence after each sentence was heavy. It choked her. 'Why am I here?'

'You're here because you are my friend and I care about you. You've just quit your job and you're moving?'

 _How did he know all-. Rick._ 'I'm moving on with my life, Javi.'

'Are you?' He frowned. 'You've been living in a hotel for the past two weeks, you're looking at fancy houses in another state. This is not moving on. This is running away.'

'You're not my therapist.'

'No but I'm your friend. Burke might care about you, he might only care about the color of your money. Me? I assure you that I care. Running away? That won't fix things. That won't fix you.'

'And lying to me and then cornering me, that will?'

'I wish it was that easy. But we both know that it's not.'

'We're moving to start a family.'

'That family isn't here yet. That family doesn't have to live in another state. And that doesn't mean that you can't live in your apartment right now.'

He had her there. The door to leave never looked so tempting. She didn't have to listen to this, she could leave now but that…that would be running away. _Damn it._

'I didn't want to have to do this, Kate but the more I hear about you leaving New York, the more I hate it. This city is your home and you're being kicked out of it. Do you really want to leave?'

'I…'. _I can't dispute that._ She was born in the city, she had served the city and the city had given her the man she loved. _Why am I running?_ 'I…'. _I nearly died in this city._ Twice. Yet both times were results of her own stubbornness and her occupation. She had resigned, Mason Wood was dead and she had finally got justice for her mother. New York had never harmed her in any other way. New York was home. 'No.'

Esposito's face remained impassive and he said nothing more about the city. 'Go back to the loft tonight, Kate. You don't have to stay there; you don't have to even stay the night. Just go there and remember – you're safe.'

She took a depth breath as she took onboard his words, words that she was finally beginning to believe. _I'm safe._

 **X X X**

 _I'm safe. I'm safe._

Her new mantra reverberated in her head as she took her first steps in the loft for almost two weeks. Everything was exactly the same as it had been on that day; it was obvious how Rick had lived in the hospital after the shooting, even after he was discharged, himself. Alexis and Martha had also come and gone throughout the weeks but their presence, too, seemed fleeting. Even the stack of magazines on the coffee table were in the exact same order, the dust gathering around them proof of that fact.

Then she saw the spot that she stood in when the bullet ripped through her. The spot on the floor where her knees came crashing down on. The spot where she had thought that this was it, that she was actually going to die this time.

 _I'm safe._ _I survived this. I'm about as safe as any other person in this city. I'm safe._

'We can leave if you want,' Rick said. He had kept his distance, hesitant to say anything, scared of the ticking time bomb that the past few weeks had turned her into. Scared, terrified even, yet always there, never leaving her side. _He was a damn good guy._ 'The hotel room is still indefinitely under our name.' _Good guy Richard Castle. Was it possible to love him anymore?_

'Let's stay the night here.'

'Are you sure?'

She nodded. 'Yeah…just not in _here_ , though.' The bad memories – _that's all they were_ – were still too fresh in her mind.

'There's always the bedroom.'

 _The bedroom. Their bedroom._ She had nothing but good memories of that room.

He offered her his hand. 'Shall we?'


	8. Chapter 8

_Author's note: Thanks for the support guys! It's really appreciated x_

 **X X X**

'I. Missed. That.'

Kate was out of breath but she felt no pain, only pleasure. 'Give me five minutes and we can go again.'

'Round three? Kate, I'm an old man. You might kill me.'

'First of all, you're only ten years older than me and secondly,' she snuggled in closer to him, so her lips were grazing his ear as she whispered, 'I'm only getting started.'

He moaned as she nibbled at his skin. 'You are _definitely_ going to kill me. But…best way to go out ever.'

 **X X X**

Round three did not materialize but neither complained as they spent the rest of their morning cuddled up in bed. _Their_ bed, not a hotel bed. They hadn't stayed in the hotel in almost a week, ever since the loft became safe again. The bad memories still lingered but each day they were being pushed further and further away by new, good ones of duvet days, cake baking and, now finally and as Rick put it, 'practice'.

They still had their heart set on a house with a driveway, a patio and a big, open garden but not in Stamford. Not even anywhere in Connecticut. Their house with a driveway, a patio and that big-ass garden they wanted to play catch, tag and hide and seek in with their future family, was going to be in New York.

'What have you been buying?' Rick asked as he returned from collecting their mail from the doorman, his hands full will a few circulars and two packages which he placed down on the couch beside her.

'This one,' she said, picking up the larger of the two to show him before putting it back down, 'is books.'

'All mine, I hope.'

'I have all your books.'

'Yes but you should always support your local author. Can't get any more local than me, surely.'

She laughed. 'Can't get any more big-headed either. Besides, I married you. I'm doing a lot more than just supporting my local author.'

'Aren't you just?' He smirked. 'What's in the other one? Feels like another book,' he mused as he weighed the padded envelope in his hands.

She had to snatch it from him. 'Were you the kid that went to other kids' parties and shook all their presents to guess what they were?'

'Still am,' he replied, without hesitation.

She did not doubt him. 'Well, you're kinda right. Actually,' she offered it back to him. 'Go and open it.'

There was no need to tell him twice as he tore into it. The remnants of the envelope fell to the ground as he held the book that it contained. 'New York University?' It was a prospectus.

'You know that saying, 'you're never too old to learn'…I've been thinking a lot about it recently.'

'You want to go back to university?'

'Thinking about it,' she said. 'So I thought I'd send away for a bunch of prospectuses and have a look.'

'But you already graduated from NYU…'

'Prelaw, yes. But I wanna get away from the world of law.' Somewhat ironically, it was the world of law that made her feel anything but safe. 'I'm not saying that I'm going yet and, if I do, I still don't know what I will study. I don't want my resignation from the NYPD to equal a permanent state of retirement. As much as I love spending every day with you, unemployment isn't for me…that sounds crazy, doesn't it? So many people would kill to be in my position, to never have to work another day in their lives. I'm crazy, aren't I?'

Indeed, her husband looked at her like she was crazy. 'Yes, you are crazy. Crazy for thinking that that is crazy. Kate, you have so much to offer the world and I am so proud of you for wanting to go out there and do stuff, whatever it is. You are truly amazing.'

The color was rushing to her cheeks. Sometimes he was _too_ much and she couldn't understand what she had done to deserve this man. So she tried to deflect. 'You know that I could go study business, graduate and then run a hugely successful criminal empire, right?'

'Wow…Kate, I think that's the most Castle thing you've ever said. You are spending way too much time with me.'

She nodded in agreement. 'Yeah. Soon I'll be writing mystery novels that are really just three hundred pages of how much I love my other half. Verbally masturbating,' she added, recalling the words of a certain actress.

'Call it what you will, it's bestselling. And you love it.'

That she also had to agree with. 'I do,' she said. 'But yeah, that's it. I'm thinking of going back to university.'

'And I'm so proud of you.' He bent over to kiss her forehead. 'So, are you going to be looking through that today?'

She shook her head. 'Not right now. I sent away for a few other prospectuses so I'm going to wait until they arrive and then go through them. What I am going to do today is head to the gym. Would you like to join me?'

'Are you kidding? After last night and this morning's workouts?'

She smiled. 'Suit yourself.'

'I will. I actually need to get working on the next Nikki Heat draft so I guess I'll be, as you so eloquently put it, verbally masturbating.' He gently caught her arm as she walked past him. 'Are you…okay to go? I can go if you want.'

In return for his sincere concern, she kissed his lips. 'Yeah. Since coming back here I've been feeling better. A lot more…positive.'

'Good,' he said, glad. 'Just in case…what gym are you going to?'

'Crawford's. A few blocks away?'

'I know the place.'

'I don't know how long how I'll be but I'll text you every half hour to let know you how much I'm killing it.' _And to let you know that I'm okay._ Javi had suggested the text system and so far they had used it once, when she had gone out for groceries. It was comforting to know there was ways to help shoot down the demons if they were woken. Javi had actually been a huge help with his arsenal of different ways to shoot those bastards down.

'Great. Don't tire yourself out for tonight.'

Kate bit down on her lip. 'Buddy, this is my _warm-up_ for tonight. Round 3? It's on.'

 **X X X**

 _So if you're heading back to college, does that mean I'm going to be a house_ _-_ _husband?_

She smiled as she read Rick's text before messaging him back. _Yes. And I'd expect nothing less than the house clean and a batch of cookies waiting for me when I return every night x._

'Detective Beckett?'

Kate slipped her phone into the pocket of her joggers and turned around to put a face to the voice. It was a familiar face but the name escaped her at present. 'I…hey?' She felt terrible. She knew this person, she was almost certain of it, but in her defense, it had been a weird couple of months and she didn't expect to bump into anyone she knew whilst standing beside an elliptical at her new gym.

'I know, it's been a while. Six years, actually,' said the guy, who was no more than twenty-five and, at over six foot, towered over her. 'Michael James.'

She remembered him now. The last time she had seen him, he was sixteen and going through the lowest point in his life, a low that she knew all too well – his mom had been killed. 'Yes. How are you?'

Michael smiled. 'Good, actually. Really good. You remember my girlfriend, Cyndi? We got married last fall.'

'That's wonderful news.'

'It is. I actually saw you when I first came in here, I didn't know whether or not I should come over and say hey.'

'Don't be silly. It's good to see you and it's good to know that you're doing well,' she said. There was a lot that she wouldn't miss about being a cop but the rewarding nature of it all, she would miss greatly. 'It's not Detective anymore though. I left just last week.'

'Really? That's a shame. I can't thank you enough for all that you did for me, for always picking up the phone when I called and for always replying to my emails. I don't know what I would have done without that support. I'll never forget it. Thank you.'

That chance encounter with Michael James had not only made her day but had also given her an idea.


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's Note: Sorry for the very slight delay in uploading – thanks for your patience!_

 **X X X**

Interrupting a writer mid-flow was like poking a caged animal – it was not recommended. So she waited in the doorway, in her PJs and with her hair still damp from her shower, until his fingers on his keyboard slowed down a little, to steal at least a few seconds of his time, for a quick answer to her initial question. 'Good time to interrupt?'

'Let me just finish…this…sentence,' he moved his laptop from his lap to his desk. 'You may now interrupt,' he smiled.

Original intentions sidetracked momentarily, Kate couldn't resist coming over to peer over his shoulder for a sneak peek. 'Oh, someone has been _very_ inspired today.' The section she read of the manuscript would put _Heat Wave_ 's infamous page 105 to shame. She pointed to the screen. 'May I?'

He rolled his seat to the side. 'Go ahead. Don't write any more than a few sentences though or your name will have to go on the cover as well.'

She wrote a single sentence and stepped aside for the writer to read. 'There.'

'Ooh…I like that. Hot and so very Nikki. Do, do you want to write this draft? 'Cause you totally should. If ghostwriting isn't one of the career paths that you're thinking of, then it should be. That sentence is… _damn_.'

'That actually leads nicely into why I'm disturbing a writer in his natural habitat.'

'Say no more. Let me just save this and I'll meet you in the bedroom.'

She had to place a hand on his shoulder to keep him in his seat. 'Later, babe. I was actually meaning about the whole career situation. I don't want to go to university.'

The U-turn had him as surprised as the reveal of her possible intentions to study a few hours earlier, had. 'Okay…that was a quick decision. Are you sure?'

'Yeah. The more I think about it, the more stupid that my plans had sounded. I was gonna look through all those books to try and find something that I wanted to dedicate, potentially, the rest of my life to. But…when I chose to do pre-law all those years ago, I was passionate about becoming the first female Chief Justice and I joined the NYPD because I was passionate about getting justice for those who couldn't get justice themselves. You can't just pick a passion; a passion picks you. And something's picked me…and it's not university.'

'And what's that?'

The story of the chance encounter at the gym was one that could wait, for now – that would be a story she envisaged that she would tell a lot in the years to come. 'I want to start a non-profit for people like me – people who have had their lives turned upside down by murder. And I know. There are already a bunch of charities out there that do that but you can never have enough. And, not to brag, I think I'm more than qualified to offer advice in such a situation.' _More than qualified, in many ways._ 'So…what do you think?'

Rick was slow with words but his smile arrived quickly. 'I…I think that it is a wonderful, incredibly selfless idea and that you are a truly remarkable person,' he said, after a few moments. 'Truly.'

'So good idea?'

'Absolutely.'

'Good because this thing has set my mind off like crazy and I've had so many ideas the past hour alone. I really, really wanna do this.'

He reached for her hand. 'And I'll support you one hundred percent.'

'Thank you.' She would never question his support. _Never._ 'Seriously, you are amazing.'

'Says you. If you want, I could pop open a blank document and you could get some of those ideas out of your head?'

The idea was tempting but it was much too soon. The ideas in her own head were plentiful but, right now, still raw; they had to marinate a little longer so they were just right. 'Tomorrow, maybe. I'm gonna let them sit whilst I figure out some of the logistics of it all,' she said, wrapping an arm around his neck as she slid onto his lap. She reached for his laptop. 'Today, right now? I thought I would test the waters a little. Try out a new career. Maybe earn that writer's credit.'

 **X X X**

Maybe one day she'd write the novel that she had in her, maybe she wouldn't. Spending a couple of hours offering lines and feedback as both the inspiration for Nikki Heat and as a fan of her husband's work was exhausting - even after they had moved from his desk chair to their bed.

Nestled into his side, she had waited until he came to the end of a scene to ask something, not wanting to distract him when he was in a groove. 'Did you ever think that you'd write this many Nikki Heat books?' This was book number nine, after all.

'Honestly, yes. I mean, look at my subject matter.'

'Don't you ever get bored?'

'Again, look at my subject matter,' he said. 'What's with all the questions?'

It had been gnawing away at her for a while and she couldn't keep it in any longer. 'I'm not Nikki Heat anymore.'

'And? I've got enough material for a hundred more books and I have had for a long time. Do…do you not want me to keep writing about her?'

A reason why she had never said anything was that she was scared that he might misinterpret what she meant. Like he just had. 'No. Babe, I could and would never ask that of you. I love Nikki Heat and I don't want you to stop. But I also don't want you to think that you can't stop just because you're married to me.'

'I-.' He stopped himself and shook his head. 'Are you a mind-reader?'

She was not expecting that. 'What, you _don't_ want to keep writing her?'

'No!' He held his hands up. 'No. I swear that that is not what I meant. Sometimes I suck with words and, yes, I understand the irony. But no, what I meant is…I've been thinking about this a lot recently. But I never knew how to bring it up to you. Or to my agent. Or to my publisher. It's going to be Derrick Storm all over again but worse. If my Twitter notifications are anything to go by, people really love Nikki. A lot.'

'I should think so too. She's badass.'

'I just think that ten is a good number,' he said. 'I don't want to keep putting her through hell. I want her to have a happy ending.'

Her husband was a huge fan of subtext and she knew that what he said was by no means coincidental. Nikki Heat was her, after all. 'I want that too.' She wasn't entirely sure if she was talking about Nikki or herself. 'So no killing her off?'

Again, the subtext was rich. 'I don't even want to think that, ever. I couldn't live without her.'

The arm she had around his chest clung even tighter. 'And I couldn't live without Jameson Rook…wow, this is so meta, _Jamie_.'

' _Nik_ , I couldn't agree more...but it's also strangely hot?' He closed his laptop and hurriedly placed it on the nightstand. 'You know how you're one of my super fans and a writer in the making? You should totally write this scene between us, I mean between Nikki and her ruggedly handsome beau.'

'Ooh creative freedom…alright, I have a few ideas.' _Meta, maybe but nothing was ever boring with him. Nothing._ 'Well Nikki…she's a kinky one. She'd slide her hand down Jameson's chest…and put her lips to his ear, so close that when she whispers in that low sultry voice of hers, her breath tickles his skin,' _and make his and his real-life counterpart's skin ripple out in gooseflesh_ , 'and tells him, _orders him_ …to go get some ice-cubes. And Jameson? He won't need telling twice.'

 _And neither did Richard Castle._


	10. Chapter 10

Two months passed. Rick was only a couple of chapters away from finishing the first draft of his manuscript, tentatively titled _Heated_ , whilst Kate was still at the very early stages of her own project - her charity to support those affected by murder. But she did have plans and a lot of them. And one such plan that she was ready to put into motion.

'Hey, how do you feel about schmoozing?'

His eyes did not move from the television screen. 'No! No, no, no, no…I need help, you guys. Now.' The character on the screen fired off a few rounds as Rick's finger held down the controller's right trigger button.

The gunfire on the screen had never triggered her although the first few times he had played that game since the shooting, it had unnerved her slightly. Now, it didn't. Nothing, actually, really unnerved her any more than it did before either time she was shot. Yet, she would never say that her demons were gone because they weren't. She was just in control of them. 'Reload your weapon, dummy. Standing waiting with two bullets in your clip? Bad idea.'

Again, he was just as oblivious. His on-screen persona continued to wait without taking a second to reload, a move that proved fatal when ambushed by multiple enemies. 'Damn it! Castle down. I repeat Castle down.'

She didn't give him the chance to respawn, stepping in and taking the controller out of his hands. 'Castle _out._ Next time, listen to my advice.'

'What advice?'

'The advice that you didn't hear, just like the question I asked you.'

'Oh,' he said, a tinge of guilt on his face. 'Repeat the question?'

'Schmoozing. How do you feel about it?' She already knew the answer.

'Love it. Who and when?'

'My replacement Terence Nash.' Much to the surprise of everyone, Nash had been appointed permanently as her successor. There was a rumour that he had an exceptionally high case closure rate as temporary Captain and that was what had swung the decision in his favour – although Kate hoped this rumour was not true, or if it was, hoped that it was not the only reason why he had gotten the job for it was the exceptional team of detectives that Nash had inherited that had done the hard work, not him. 'I emailed him a few days ago about my non-profit and how we could work together. He said we should get together to discuss it further so he suggested dinner. Tonight.'

'Tonight?' Guilt changed to surprise.

'Nash's wife is very eager to meet you.' _That was putting it mildly._

'Nash's wife?'

'Yes, Elizabeth.'

It took a few seconds for it to click, for him to remember. 'Wait. Was she the Elizabeth you asked me to sign all those books for?'

'She's a huge fan.'

And surprise turned to terrified. 'Oh…God.'

'Just make sure to give her a kiss on the cheek when you meet her and chat endlessly about your books whilst I talk to her husband.'

'Are we going out for dinner or are we appearing on an episode of _Wife Swap_?' His question sounded incredibly genuine.

'Relax. If she gets too handsy or clingy, I'll keep her in line.'

'' _Too_ handsy or clingy'? What if she gets handsy or clingy in general?'

'You suck it up,' she said with a kiss on his cheek before offering him his controller back. 'Reservation is at 8, Benton's. Finish your game and smarten yourself up.' Elizabeth Nash may have no concerns about his navy tee and boxers combo but she was pretty sure that the doorman at the five-star restaurant would.

 **X X X**

The dinner had gone well. Nash seemed to have been impressed by her proposals and seemed to be on her side about it all. What was most definitely not on her side, a few hours after the dinner, was her stomach. In fact, it felt like it was trying to escape her as she knelt in front of the toilet bowl, her ever loving husband behind her, glass of water in one hand and paper towels in the other.

'You know that's why I hate eating at those sort of places,' she said, between deep breaths. 'I can never tell what's rare and what's _extra rare_.'

Rick had uncharacteristically said little since her dash to the bathroom had woken him up. Instead of words, he had opted for soothing back rubs that had helped to calm the shakes that had overcome her just as quickly as the nausea had. But now he spoke. 'How are you so certain it was the food?'

''Cause the chicken tasted funny.'

'I ordered the same and it tasted perfectly fine to me,' he remarked. 'Kate…when was your last, uh, lady time?'

'My what?'

'Um cycle? Period? Margaret Monthly or whatever other cute name you call it.'

'I…' _Shit._ She couldn't remember and she was always, always regular – even her own body had a strong penchant for punctuality. She may just have to rescind that scathing indictment of Benton's.

'Was it over a month ago?'

It was. At least. _Oh._ 'Yeah.'

Rick offered her the glass of water once more before he dashed to the other end of the bathroom, opening and slamming a cupboard door. 'You never know,' he said.

When he had bought that pregnancy testing kit that he had in his hand, she did not know but she was grateful for his preparedness – even if she was also slightly concerned that he might start stockpiling diapers in the morning depending on the result.

 **X X X**

'How long?'

'Two minutes.'

She sighed. 'God, Rick. What the hell do we do now?' It was a sincere question. Now in her mid-thirties, there were very few firsts that she was yet to experience. Yet, after reaching her mid-thirties and always having been very careful, this was the first time she'd ever thought that she might be pregnant.

Rick joined her sitting precariously on the rim of the bath tub. 'Are you ready for a baby right now?'

'Yes. Well, as ready as anyone can ever be.'

'Then for the next two minutes we cross our fingers. That's all we can do.'

That _was_ all that they could do and she resented feeling so helpless. That was what freaked her out the most about having kids, the helplessness of it all. She already knew that there'd be nights spent freaking out about a lack of movement in her belly and nights, later, spent bent over a crib freaking out about why her child wouldn't stop crying.

And a part of her knew, just knew, that if that test was negative, a part of her would start to worry that she couldn't have kids, even though she knew it was absurd to arrive to such a conclusion after mere weeks of effort.

'Hey,' he said, reading her silence. 'Whatever the result is, it's going to be fine.' He offered a smile. He took her hand. He never let go until the two minutes elapsed and he reluctantly let go to go and check the two tests that she'd done.

She saw it in his eyes but asked anyway. 'No?'

Rick shook his head. 'No.'

She started to cry, hating herself for allowing her to dream a little, for being so stupid to think it would just happen so quickly.

Rick pulled her into his arms and held her tight. 'It's okay. We just have to keep trying.'

 **X X X**

 _Author's note: Thanks for reading and reviewing!_


	11. Chapter 11

_Author's Note: Appreciate your patience in waiting for the next chapter. Technical issues (i.e. forgetting my laptop when on holiday!) prevented me from updating this when I would have liked to. Thanks for sticking by this fic – will be back on a regular upload schedule starting from now! X_

 **X X X**

Four months and two pregnancy tests later, they were still no further forward in their bid for a family.

It was a week before Christmas and the always stunning Castle family Christmas tree took pride of place in the loft, with the fairy lights that were wrapped delicately around the giant fir tree making any other lightbulb in the residence almost completely redundant. Fallen strands of tinsel kept getting stuck between toes and presents were already stacked beneath the impressive amount of baubles. And to make things even better, her husband was baking cookies that would be ready on her return.

'Ooh Lanie has her shopping shoes on,' Rick remarked as he opened the door. 'Someone means business.'

'Damn right I do,' agreed the Medical Examiner as she entered the loft. 'Last shopping week before Christmas, you best bet that I mean business. _Damn_ …something smells good.'

'Why, thank you,' Rick smiled. 'If you survive your shopping trip slash expedition, there will be cookies, muffins and an army of gingerbread men awaiting you.'

'Damn it, Kate. You've got yourself a good one.'

Kate couldn't agree more. 'I know I do.'

'You know, I'll be making a trip to a certain _Secret_ store to treat my own man. You should get your writer boy something special too.'

Rick's eyes lit up like the tree. 'Please do.'

'We shall see,' Kate said coyly. 'You ready to go, Lanie?'

'Am I wearing my shopping shoes?' _The answer was yes._

 **X X X**

 _What are you getting me?_

 _What have you got me?_

 _I'm making DOUBLE chocolate chip cookies btw._

 _What else are you getting me?_

Her husband was, by far, one of the fastest texters she knew – his fingers no doubt agile from all those years creating characters on a laptop. Rick's four texts arrived one after another, all arriving in the space of sixty seconds, causing her phone to vibrate almost continuously in her pocket as she fumbled for it.

Kate placed down her glass, holding up a single finger to excuse herself temporarily. 'Hold that thought.' If she didn't reply, he'd keep texting her. Hell, the little three dots were already dancing to indicate he was typing again.

 _Patience._ She wrote back. _I am not telling you._

She placed the phone down on the table, only for it to buzz again and for Lanie to beat her in reaching for it.

'Oh hell no,' Lanie said, holding down the power button for the necessary few seconds before sliding her finger across the screen, powering the phone down. 'I am not having you sexting your man all afternoon.'

'We weren't _sext_ -.' Even as a happily-married thirty-something woman who was fully comfortable with her sexuality and expressing it, Kate couldn't help but stop herself from saying that word out loud, mindful of the other patrons in the swanky cocktail bar that they always seemed to frequent before hitting the shops. 'Lanie,' she whined. 'Give me the phone back. You know what he's like if I don't reply. He's a puppy.'

'Girl, that puppy needs trained.' The M.E. pocketed her friend's phone. 'My phone is turned off.'

'You aren't married to Richard Castle, though.'

'But if I was, he'd soon learn to know better than to interrupt a girls' shopping trip,' she said in such a manner that put an end to any and all negotiation about the phone. 'Now. How are things on the baby front?'

Lanie Parish's bluntness was something that Kate had always admired about her friend. She never skipped around a topic, she just jumped to it. Yet, today, Kate wished for more skipping and less jumping. 'There aren't any _things_ ,' she said, sadly. 'And it's not for lack of trying.'

Lanie rested a hand on Kate's arm. 'Keep at it. There's a lot of worse things in life than practicing with a man like Richard Castle.'

Then Kate said the thing that had been on her mind for a while; the thing that had been gnawing away at her for a while. And she lost all concern that there were others around her, others that could, and probably did, hear what had become her biggest fear. 'Like not being able to have a baby?'

Another quality Kate admired about Lanie was her empathy. Her heart. There wasn't anything that she felt that she couldn't share with her. Lanie always knew what to say. 'Time, Kate. These things take time. It's only been a few months, you just need to wait a little longer, honey.' She squeezed her arm. 'Until then? You practice with that man without abandon. Okay?'

Kate smiled, the weight lifted – a little. 'Okay.'

 **X X X**

Shopping in the city was hell at the best of times, never mind shopping in the week leading up to Christmas. It was everyone for themselves and Lanie had nearly been in two fights over two separate handbags that she claimed would be the perfect present for her sister although everyone – especially the Texan lady who had stared Lanie down for the bag – knew it was really for the Medical Examiner herself. Yet, somehow, they had both survived unscathed and were headed towards a Sushi bar for dinner.

The phone, that Lanie had been so gracious as to give back to its rightful owner during the cab ride to dinner, nearly exploded as Kate turned it back on. The perpetrator? Richard Castle, of course.

13:01 – _Patience? What's that?_

13:01 – _But seriously. Clue please._

13:01 – _Please._

13:02 – _Pretty please._

13:02 – _Even a tiny little clue._

13:04 – _It's okay, I can wait._

13:05 – _But if you want to tell me, then please, go ahead._

13:07 – _Or don't._

14:54 – Missed call from Rick.

14:56 – Missed call from Rick.

14:57 – _Call me._

14:57 – _Actually, don't. Come home._

14:58 – _Come home._

14:58 – _Please._

Her finger instinctively hovered over the green call icon, her head ultimately ruling against tapping it. _He had told her to come home._ They made just be words on a screen but Kate knew her husband's words. For a writer, he often struggled for them when something was serious. And those last three texts were as succinct for him as they'd ever be.

'I need to go,' Kate said, arriving at her decision.

'Everything okay?'

That was one answer that Kate wasn't quite so certain of. 'I…don't know,' she sighed before turning her phone around. 'Look.'

Lanie looked and slowly nodded. 'Well, it is your husband. For all we know, he may have blown up the loft in the name of research so I'm definitely not going to stop you from going.' After a second, Lanie added. 'Wasn't he baking?'

Kate's stomach felt uneasy and a part of her knew a burnt down loft was, really, one of the unlikeliest scenarios that she would arrive home to. Rick was an excellent baker, after all.


	12. Chapter 12

_Author's Note: Thanks for all the kind words, hope you enjoy this chapter too!_

X X X

The diverted cab journey felt familiar. The quiet drive combined with the uncertainty of what was awaiting her, _painfully_ all too familiar. Kate Beckett might not carry her shield anymore but she would always carry the memories, particularly those of the always heart wrenching drives to crime scenes. And those memories hit her hard as the cab made the slow journey through gridlocked roads to the loft.

 _The loft._ The place where they were shot. Their home in which they nearly died in.

'Honey, are you alright?' Lanie broke the heavy silence, somehow managing to sense the sudden onset tightness in Kate's chest at that particular memory.

Kate thought about lying but it was futile in current company. 'I'm worried.'

'A little? Sweetie, you look scared stiff. Text your man.'

'He said to just come home.'

'I'm not saying to engage in a conversation with him. Just tell him that you're on your way.'

Kate sighed. Then complied. It had been nearly two hours since his original messages and, as ridiculous as it sounded, she had been terrified to text him back. Rick was a fast replier; his phone was almost always in his hand. If he didn't reply within his usual thirty seconds… _shit, she didn't know what to do._ 'There. Done,' she said, already mentally counting and already only twenty-seven seconds away from throwing up.

Lanie rested a hand on Kate's arm. 'You want me to go up with you when we get there?'

'No. It's fine.'

The M.E. frowned. 'Are you sure?'

'I-.' Kate was stopped by the buzzing of her phone. The text had brought a halt to her countdown but offered absolutely no clarity about the situation – it simply read ' _Okay'_. 'I'm sure,' she replied, offering a weak smile of affirmation that was somehow just enough to satisfy Lanie.

X X X

Nothing looked out of place when the elevator doors pinged open to their floor. Nor did anything look out of place when she slid her key into the lock and entered their home. In fact, the tinsel on the tree seemed _straighter_.

'Kate?' Rick's voice was distant but his bounding footsteps were loud as he emerged from his office. Unlike the tinsel on the tree, he was still dishevelled – unshaven and still wearing the same navy V-neck that he wore to bed combined with a pair of sweatpants. Normally she'd find this look adorable, even more irresistible than when he was dressed to the nines but no. _Not right now_.

'What's happened?'

'Well,' he reached for her hands and took them in his. 'First of all, I've made a batch of cookies if you want to look behind you-.'

'Why did you text me?' She immediately broke his hold. She'd seen the cookies, and the fairy cakes, and the gingerbread men the second that she had entered the loft and started scanning for signs of disturbance – another cop trait that would never leave her.

'I…I was tidying up and well, I dropped the waste bin in the bathroom. Like, it went-.'

'You told me to come home because you spilled the trash?' The smile disappeared fast from his face. And so it should. _That was why he called her?_ 'Rick, I thought something had happened. I was worried sick, why would you do that?'

Confusion featured briefly on his features before realisation, concern and regret. 'I…didn't mean to, I-.' He paused for a beat. 'Yes, I spilled the trash but that's not it…I'm sorry, I should have…' He stopped again, taking another second to start over. 'When I went to pick it all up…I found this.'

The offending item he produced from the pocket of his sweats was instantly recognisable and instantly hard to stomach. It was all too familiar. Then, as she saw _it_ , it became instantly different. Instantly less sickening. _It_. The plus sign on the pregnancy test. _No. How?_

He offered an explanation. 'We only waited three minutes, Kate. The box, which I found amongst the rubbish, says to wait five.'

And that explanation was plausible. Perfectly plausible. Her heart was beating hard in her chest again, this time for an altogether different reason. 'I'm…pregnant?'

'Maybe. I mean, probably? But we can check.' He rushed over to the coffee table and picked up the white paper bag that was sitting there. 'I went out and got another one. The same one. This time we do it and actually wait five minutes. Then…I guess we'll know.'

X X X

They did know. After what was the longest five minutes of their life, they knew that they were having a baby.

They went to the doctor the next day and were pencilled in for an ultrasound on Christmas Eve Eve. The perfect early Christmas present that neither of them had seen coming. Evidently – at their ultrasound, Kate's doctor dated the pregnancy at around the ten-week mark. Their child had literally been under her nose for over two months and neither she nor her husband had been none the wiser.

'Is this really happening?' Kate said, in almost a whisper as she swung her legs over the side of the examination table after the doctor had excused himself to give the two of them some alone time.

'Yes.' Rick was smiling. He had never stopped smiling since that second test had been positive. She had never seen him happier and it made her heart swell. 'Crazy year, huh?'

'The craziest yet.'

The little creases at the corners of his eyes deepened. 'Wait until next year.'

She couldn't. Yet, at the same time, she wanted to wait and savour every little moment of pregnancy. It was a beautiful paradox.

X X X

Kate and Rick had parted ways after the scan. Snow may have been threatening to fall from the sky at any moment but it did not threaten to derail her plans. It would probably be her last venture outside for the next few days due to the upcoming festivities, the highlight of which would be the Christmas get together of her loved ones, her family – her dad, Martha and Alexis, Lanie and Javi and Ryan and Jenny and the kids. So as Rick headed back to the loft, she hailed a cab and headed to her Mom's grave. She had to tell her the happy news after all…but with one condition.

'Do me a favour, mom,' Kate said, one hand resting on the top of the gravestone. 'Don't tell dad.'


	13. Chapter 13

_Author's Note: I make no apologies for this fluffiness in this chapter. This one is short and will be continued in the following chapter. As always, thanks for reading. X_

X X X

Things had fallen into place nicely. Being already ten weeks gone meant, if everything went well, an early summer baby which in turn, meant that a heavily pregnant Kate would only have to endure a small portion of a potentially hot and sticky summer. It also meant that they could escape the city and retreat to the Hamptons for the other half of the season. Yet, what they loved perhaps the most, was the fact that they didn't have to keep their secret to themselves for too long. In fact, they settled on Christmas Day to break the news, the already pre-planned get together with family the ideal opportunity for their announcement. Everything seemed perfect. Almost too perfect.

Then, in the wee hours of Christmas Day, as she struggled with sleep, it dawned on Kate. _It was too perfect._

'Rick,' she nudged her gently snoring husband in the back. It took a few more nudges to rouse him.

'Wha…?' He mumbled into his pillow as he teetered on the fine line between consciousness and unconsciousness.

'Lanie will know.'

'Know what?'

'That I'm pregnant.'

Groaning, Rick flipped from his side onto his back and rubbed his eyes. 'What?'

'Remember when we started dating? Remember how quickly she knew that we were having sex because I had a 'glow'?' In the morgue, standing over a dead body, of all places. Lanie's particular wording had knocked the words out of her mouth. _You're having sex_. Rick swooped in with a save to keep up the initial secrecy of their relationship but Lanie knew. Lanie always knew.

He opened his eyes, squinting as he tried to keep them open. 'Vaguely.'

'Yeah, well, think about it. Women glow when they're pregnant. If I'm glowing…am I glowing?'

Yawning, Rick turned again in bed, this time to face her. 'I think you're worrying. You were with her a few days ago and you were also pregnant then. And neither of you were none the wiser,' he said, completely rational for one of the few times in his life.

Still, she was also being rational because she knew her friend all too well. 'The second that she notices that I'm not drinking, she'll know. It's _Lanie_.' No-one else would notice. Her dad, Martha and Alexis hadn't been aware of their immediacy to start a family, Ryan and Jenny would be too pre-occupied by their own off-spring to notice and Javi…well, Javi was Javi. It was just Lanie Parish who posed a threat to Kate and Rick making the announcement on their own terms, which they planned to after the second course.

'You do love your wine.'

'Exactly.'

Rick murmured as he snuggled closer, wrapping his arm around her stomach. 'Yeah, well. We'll figure something out. It's only four a.m.. Santa won't have been yet and even if he has, he would want us to make the most of sleep while we can, alright?'

Kate complied, knowing that next Christmas would be a whole lot different.

X X X

Before Rick, Will Sorenson had been the only boyfriend that she had spent Christmas with and the only boyfriend that she had even exchanged gifts with. Sorenson was a decent guy and he meant well but, in comparison with Rick, he paled miserably. Sorenson was the guy who went to Macy's one afternoon, picked a few things from a few shelves, shoved them in a single gift bag and forced it into her hands with a mumbled, 'Merry Christmas' come December 25th. Richard Castle, on the other hand, was a guy who started his Christmas shopping months in advance, wrapped every single present up with thick paper and silk ribbons and would not let her open a single one of them until he gave her a long, tender good morning kiss or three.

A gold inscribed locket…a bottle of wine from the year she was born – that would have to mature just that bit longer…tickets to the opera… _God, the man spoiled her._ Yet, she was just as happy with the tin of gummy worms or the plush teddy bear. It wasn't the money he spent that made her feel so incredibly loved. It was the effort, it was the time and it was all the thought that had been put into each and every gift. It played havoc with her heart and her hormones.

'Oh honey,' Rick smiled as her eyes became watery. 'I've never see such a visceral reaction to a pair of socks before.'

'It's partly because of my hormones. Partly also because these socks are so stinking cute.'

On his knees, Rick scuttled over a mountain of wrapping paper to her. 'Aren't they? I mean look at those little doggies on them. Adorable,' he said and then leaned forward to kiss her forehead. 'Like you.'

She caught him, cupping both of his cheeks. 'Thank you.'

He beamed, then broke away. 'You are welcome. But, you've still got one more present.' He reached for an envelope that she must've missed and offered it to her.

The envelope offered no hints to its contents; it hadn't been written on and it was sealed. Kate eyed her husband for clues as she slowly opened it but he was just as secretive. Yet, when she unfolded the piece of paper inside, she needed no help in working out what it was.

 _To My Extraordinary Kate:_

 _I cannot wait for this next chapter in our lives. You make love easy._

It was the dedication for _Heated._

X X X


	14. Chapter 14

_Author's Note: Slightly longer chapter than usual. As always, let me know what you think and thanks for the support!_

X X X

'We should not have done that.'

They were a tangle of limbs and sheets, fuelled by festive spirits and hormones and sparked by a few words on a piece of paper. Kate had heard all about the side-effects of pregnancy, this included, but never imagined how intense it would be - the next six months could be equally interesting and exhausting for that reason alone.

'I wholeheartedly disagree,' her husband panted as he gently stroked her arm.

'We didn't have the time for that.'

'Hey. _You_ wanted round two. I was just more than happy to oblige,' he smirked.

'Your mother and daughter will be arriving soon. My dad will too. In like,' she craned to see the alarm clock on the bedside table, 'less than an hour. And we are by no means presentable after that.'

'Then we can save time and water…by showering together.'

'You really think that is a good idea?' _They definitely didn't have time for a round three._ 'For the record, I'm fully blaming you and your stupidly perfect dedication for this. I can't control my urges right now, Rick. Frankly, I need you to be an asshole and not a wonderful husband.'

'Impossible.'

 _Indeed it was._ She melted into his warm side, drunk as hell on his being. It had been almost five years since they had become more than partners and the simple pleasure of just laying together in bed had never grown old. After everything that they had been through, she cherished these moments more than ever. 'We do need to make a move though,' she said, begrudgingly. 'Your mom's caught us in bed before, I'd rather my dad didn't.'

'Oh c'mon. You mean you haven't been through that awkward rite of passage before?' Her silence that followed was telling. 'Ooh. When? Who? How old?'

She answered without hesitation. _Like she could ever forget._ 'Lennie Quinn, when my dad decided to come home early from holiday and twenty-one.'

'You or him?'

'I was twenty-one…he was in his thirties.'

Rick sat up a little. 'Ooh.'

Kate continued. 'And in a biker gang.'

The writer sat up a little more, his 'Ooh' a little more surprised.

Indulging him was strangely fun. ' _Supposedly_ _._ I don't know but he did have a bike. And tattoos,' she made sure to add, wondering if that particular detail would click in Rick's mind. She gave him a few seconds to see if it would…it didn't. 'And, after a few weeks of dating, I had a tattoo too.'

Rick squealed. 'That's why? Because of him? Because of Lennie Quinn?'

'Don't give him all the credit. Alcohol, poor judgement and a very naïve idea of love also all played a part. But yeah…partly because of him.' Thankfully, she had grown to love the small four leaf clover on her hip and, sometimes, she couldn't help but wonder if it was the reason why she'd go on to be as lucky as she was in later life. 'Anyway. Lennie was staying at mine, my dad came home early and completely freaked. Not about the older guy, not about what he had walked in on…but about the tattoo.'

'Oh…my…God.'

'Exactly and I'm pretty sure that my dad has pushed that memory as far back in his mind as he possibly could so please, for his sake, let's not risk that and let's get a move on. We have less than an hour.'

It took a few moments before Rick blinked and picked his jaw up. 'So, save time and save water?'

X X X

'I knew it.'

Her husband's wet feet slapped against the floorboards as he hurriedly followed her. 'A little, Kate. You'd have to know to see it.'

Sharing a shower had saved water but not the tears from her eyes. It was crazy, she should be happy, overjoyed, _euphoric_ to see, with her own eyes, the first signs of her child, like most normal people. But she wasn't normal. Little about her life was, and had been, normal. 'Everyone will know and we won't get to tell them ourselves.'

Rick was insistent. 'Nobody will know. We've only just noticed.'

'And if they do notice, then see me not drinking? There's gonna be two detectives and a medical examiner under the same roof, one of them will notice and start putting things together and we won't get to tell them, Rick,' she said, her lip trembling. 'This past year. The past few years. The past twenty years of my life…most of the 'good news' I've had to break has come out of something terrible. Especially to my dad.' Such as the phone call to him after being discharged after the shooting, or the call to tell him that they had finally found Rick. Or the call, _that call_ , to tell him that it was over, that she had finally got Bracken. 'This baby is good news. In so many ways, this baby is pure, good news. We don't get enough of that.'

As crazy and as hormonal as she must have sounded, her husband smiled. 'I understand, fully. And we will figure out something.'

'Thank you,' she said. 'I mean, I wish I could tell my dad first but I want to tell everyone together. And that man, bless him, cannot keep a secret for the life of him.'

'I can relate.'

'For once, you're actually doing a good job of keeping your mouth shut.'

'I know. And it's been killing me inside. But,' he took a step forward, his hand reaching for the tie on her bath robe. 'When it's important.' He tugged the tie loose, the robe opening and exposing her naked stomach. He rested his hand on the very slight, but present, curve of her growing bump. 'And this is important.'

X X X

They figured out something – sweaters. Matching Christmas sweaters because, of course Rick would have an identical pair of hideous knitwear hidden at the back of a closet. Both in his size, they hung loosely enough for Kate's worries to ease.

'You didn't tell me there was an ugly sweater theme,' Javi remarked as he arrived with Lanie, nodding at Kate and Rick and then at Ryan, who had made an unfortunate wardrobe choice.

'Funny,' Ryan scoffed. 'This was a present from my aunt.'

'The one that's colour blind?'

God, she missed their banter and was thankful for this day for bringing everyone together. She was also not stupid and knew that everyone, really, had united for her. Every other Christmas, Ryan and Jenny would alternate between their parents, Lanie would always spend the holidays with her sisters and Javi would almost always volunteer to cover the Christmas shifts. Not today, not this Christmas; they were all rallying around her after everything that had happened, because that's what family did.

'Told you, nobody is suspecting anything,' Rick whispered as they broke away from the group to tend to the food in the kitchen.

'We're not in the clear yet. A few more hours and the whole wine situation to get through.'

He bit down on his bottom lip as he pondered. 'You could always say you're feeling sick.'

'Really, sudden onset nausea? That won't look suspicious.'

Rick screwed up his face. 'Yeah, good point. I'll keep think-.'

'Kate Beckett, is there something you're not telling me?'

The knife cutting the carrots veered to the left, only just missing an index finger, at the shrill call. Kate looked up, saw Lanie approaching and stuttered for words. 'W-what?'

'Girl, how long have you been holding back on me? You think that I wouldn't find out?'

Kate turned quickly to her husband, who looked as panicked as she felt, then turned back to her friend. 'I…what?'

The medical examiner crossed her arms. 'How far are you?'

Again to Rick and, again, nothing. 'I…don't know…?'

'You must know, roughly.'

 _Of course she found out. It was Lanie._ 'I-.'

'What season?'

 _Season?_ 'Summer?' _Shit, shit, shit. She didn't mean to say that._

' _Summer_? Girl, stop pretending and just tell me already.'

Kate sighed. 'I'm sorry, Lanie. I was gonna tell you. Today, actually.'

'Mm-hm, bet you were. So how far are you? What season are you on? I need to know so I don't spoil it for you. After all, the whole point of _Grey's_ is that your heart is ripped out and stamped on when you least expect it. If I had to go through all that pain, then you do too.'

Oh. _Oh._ ' _Grey's Anatomy_?'

'Yes. I spotted the boxset and noticed it was open. What did you think I was talking about?'

 _The baby you're going to be Godmother to?_ 'I…I honestly didn't know,' Kate said, grateful for the return of words and being able to breathe again. 'And, I haven't started it yet. But I will, I promise. It's just that _someone_ likes to touch and open things.' She turned to Rick, who was in the process of sneaking a baby carrot into his mouth – impeccable timing, as always.

X X X

They sat together at the table, their wine glasses sat almost touching each other so that Rick could drink for two whilst Kate ate for two. Their trick seemed to have been almost perfectly pulled off until after the main course.

'Richard!' Martha shrieked, cutting off Jim Beckett, who had been in the midst of talking about baseball. 'What on earth do you think you're doing?'

Glass of wine in hand, Rick was a deer in his mother's headlights. 'I…sorry?'

'Darling, all night you have been sneaking sips from Katherine's glass. You do not need me to tell you how important a girl's wine is, do you?'

'I…have I?'

Kate spoke up and took control. _Now._ 'As much as it comes naturally to you, don't play dumb,' she said to her husband before turning to the rest of the room. 'He's not a thief – he's nowhere near sneaky or subtle enough to be one.'

Rick shrugged. 'It's true.'

Kate continued. 'And we were going to tell you a little later but I guess it's time. And thank God, it's time because I hate keeping this news to myself. But we're,' she glanced at Rick then back to everyone, 'Having a baby. We're _finally_ having a baby.'

She couldn't contain the smile on her face. _Those words sounded so damn good._


End file.
